Confidence Hacks Read online

  Action Steps: If you recognize yourself as a people pleaser and see how it's harming your relationship, then it's past time to do something about it. This week, choose one situation with your partner or another person you please where you stand up for yourself, say no, or make your own decision—even if it causes conflict. Remain strong. Don't give in even if you encounter anger or withdrawal by your partner. Resist the need to over-explain yourself or to over-apologize for your decision. If necessary, leave the room or hang up the phone until he/she calms down.

  5. Focus on the positive.

  Quite often we lose confidence in ourselves or in the relationship because we're hyper-focused on the negative. We only see our flaws and weaknesses and fear our partner will reject us as a result. Or we only see our partner's flaws and believe the relationship is doomed. Maybe we've had bad relationships in the past, and the memory of those infects our thinking about our current relationship. However, reality is rarely as negative as we perceive it to be. It might appear negative because that's all we focus on.

  Action Steps: Refer back to the list of positive qualities you bring to your relationship. Then make a list of all of the valuable qualities of your partner and what you love about him/her, as well as a list of the ways your partner is better for you than any previous bad relationships. Finally make a list of all of the wonderful aspects of your relationship. Keep this list handy for times when negative thoughts about your relationship creep back in.

  6. Act "as if."

  Sometimes it takes a while for our feelings to catch up with our thoughts and actions. We might begin thinking positively and have a vision for how we want our relationship to be, but we still feel uncomfortable about ourselves and our value in the relationship. If you're single, you might still have low confidence about your ability to attract a partner in spite of your best efforts to think otherwise. While you are waiting for your feelings to catch up with your new awareness and positive thoughts, begin to act "as if" you are confident about yourself and your relationship (or your potential for being in a relationship).

  Action Steps:Define where you feel the least amount of confidence related to your romantic relationship. Write down how you believe a confident person would behave in this same situation. (Check out these confident relationship behaviors.) Mentally visualize yourself behaving confidently in this situation, and the next time it occurs, play the part of a confident you. Act until you truly feel it.

  7. Be aware of clinginess and guilt-tripping.

  One of the hallmarks of low confidence in a relationship is clinginess and insecurity. When you aren't confident, you compensate by seeking reinforcement and subtly manipulating the other person through neediness and guilt. You fear they may leave you, so you hold on tighter—which ultimately pushes them away and sabotages your self-respect. Maybe you have legitimate reasons to feel insecure, but holding on tighter or shaming your partner won't fix the problem. Only healthy, open, and confident communication will help you address any real issues.

  Action Steps:Think of ways you might be clinging through neediness and guilt. Write down some of the specific things you do that might be passive-aggressive, whiny, or controlling. With the awareness that this behavior isn't healthy for the relationship, write a commitment to yourself to mindfully release one or more of these behaviors this week. If you feel there's a real reason to feel insecure based on your partner's behavior or words, then calmly and maturely communicate your concerns, even if you fear you'll hear something you don't want to hear. Ultimately, you must have honesty and truth as the foundation for any healthy and lasting relationship.

  8. Reframe rejection.

  Everyone has been rejected by a romantic partner or love interest at some point in their lives. When you open yourself up to connecting with another person, you make yourself vulnerable to possible rejection. Of course rejection hurts, but it is something you can and should move past if you want to enjoy a loving, healthy relationship in the future. Rejection isn't an indictment of your character or who you are as a person. It simply means you and this particular person weren't the right match. In many ways, rejection is a gift, as it saves you from investing any more time in a relationship that won't serve you well. Rejection can be a great teacher, helping you learn more about yourself and what you want and need from another person. Rejection does require a period of grief, but you will move past this grief more quickly when you release blaming, acrimony, or self-criticism, and have gratitude for what the relationship offered you.

  Action Steps: Think about past romantic rejections you've experienced. What did you learn about yourself as a result? What lessons did you learn for the next relationship? How have you grown as a result of experiencing the rejection? Visualize a future with this person, knowing they were not the right match for you. Silently express gratitude to them for letting you go and visualize yourself releasing them from your life.

  9. Learn relationship communication skills.

  One of the foundations of a confident and healthy relationship is communication. When you are able to articulate your feelings, fears, and concerns in an honest and kind way, the relationship can flourish and grow. This vulnerability and authenticity is necessary for both people to feel safe and fully accepted—without fear of judgment, abandonment, or betrayal. When we don't communicate our needs and discuss our differences honestly and freely, intimacy will inevitably break down. Healthy communication also requires active listening with your full attention and an open mind. The most successful, intimate relationships involve proactive communication before a fight ever breaks out. However, conflict is inevitable, and conflict resolution should include collaborative problem solving and a mutual commitment to resolution without bitterness and recrimination.

  Action Steps: Even if you think your communication skills are good, it never hurts to fine tune them to make you feel more confident and empowered in your relationship and to maintain intimacy and trust. Sit down with your partner, and ask each other these relationship questions to open dialog and understanding. Consider reading a relationship communication book like Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg or Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Make a commitment to learn about healthy relationship communication and practice what you learn with your partner.

  10. Build sexual confidence.

  People who are confident and skilled in romance and sex generally feel good about themselves. They aren't overly self-conscious about their bodies or worried about appearing desirable. However, they do inquire and care about how to please their partner romantically and sexually. They create time for romance and physical intimacy, and they don't blame themselves or their partner when sex doesn't go smoothly. Confident people want stay physically attractive for their partner—but without obsessing about their bodies. Sexual confidence is not all about sex. It is about intimate emotional connection, sharing, pleasing yourself and your partner, and having fun.

  Action Steps:Sexual confidence begins with feeling good about yourself and liking who you are. If you're lacking self-esteem, the best place to start is by working to improve it, perhaps through counseling. If your self-esteem is good, but you just aren't confident in the bedroom, remember confident sexual behavior can be learned with education from expert sources and books written by qualified therapists. Do some research and reading to enhance your knowledge and creativity. If you want feel better about your body image, exercise regularly, as the endorphin boost will make you feel great. Also communicate with your partner to learn what she/he likes and share what you like to eliminate guesswork and frustration. This will make you both feel more secure.

  Social Life

  "Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you're making."

  ~ C. S. Lewis

  Lack of social confidence is a common problem. Nearly half of all Americans claim to be shy, and nearly fifteen million Americans have so
cial anxiety disorder, where they experience intense, persistent and irrational fear of social or performance situations. Wherever you may fall on the scale of discomfort in social situations, the problem makes it difficult to develop romantic relationships, make new friends, or interact with work associates.

  A healthy social life is not only critical to your happiness and confidence, it's also key to your health and longevity. Many studies suggest social relationships are just vital to your health as other common risk factors like smoking, being sedentary or obesity. According to research gathered by Brigham Young University, people with strong family and social connections have a 50 percent lower risk of dying over a certain period than do the non-social group.

  When you lack confidence in social situations, it's frustrating to hear these statistics. It feels as though you're trapped in your fears and self-doubts, with no ability to change a situation that can add to your health and happiness. In fact, most shy people desperately want to have a social life. They just don't know how to escape from the feelings holding them back. However, it is possible to boost your confidence in social settings and feel more secure about who you are and how you appear to others.

  11. Identify anxieties.

  Your lack of social confidence can manifest in many ways. Maybe you don't feel comfortable meeting new people. Maybe you feel shy walking up to a group and joining in. It could be really hard for you to ask someone for a date or to call a friend and suggest going out. Some people are comfortable in certain social settings, but fear speaking out at work or in a meeting. Knowing exactly what makes you uncomfortable or anxious is the first step toward correcting the problem. Often we're so steeped in fear and avoidance, we haven't taken the time to identify the specific cause.

  Action Steps: Think about the situations or scenarios where you feel least comfortable socially. What exactly triggers these feelings? Where are you and what are you doing? What are the feelings or physical symptoms you experience in these situations? Just identifying these will give you awareness of the issue and where it holds you back

  12. Make a social plan.

  Once you are aware of the social situations that cause anxiety or discomfort, you can take control of the situation by initiating small and manageable actions to build up your confidence and retrain yourself to enjoy social interactions. Having a plan of action will give you an immediate boost of confidence and make you feel more in control of your emotions. Planned exposure to the situations that cause your discomfort will eventually cure you of your anxious feelings so you can look forward to social interactions and actually have fun.

  Action Steps:Think of a social activity you would like to enjoy but that causes you discomfort. Begin with the situation that causes you the most difficulty and attack it first. Plan ahead for how you will enter the room, a few things you will say to people, how many people you will talk to, and how long you will stay. Give yourself permission to leave after the amount of time you committed to yourself. You will feel discomfort the first few times you initiate your plan. But each time, talk to a few more people and stay a bit longer. You'll notice you feel more confident with every social event.

  13. Practice a conversation.

  For any skill you learn, practice increases your confidence. With repetitive practice, you know exactly what needs to be changed and adjusted, and it allows you to hone your skills until you feel proficient. The skills involved in social confidence require practice as well, and this includes practicing conversation skills. One of the biggest concerns about meeting new people or participating in group conversation is not knowing what to say or fearing you'll embarrass yourself. But with some pre-planning and practice, you'll be armed with plenty of conversation topics and the assurance to initiate a chat.

  Action Steps:Before you attend a social gathering, a date, or even an outing with a friend, think about what you want to say when you first arrive. Practice greeting people in front of a mirror, and think about a few topics of conversation you want to initiate as you converse with people. Have some basic, everyday conversation starters (the weather, a recent news story, their family or a mutual friend), and also prepare some interesting questions or observations to initiate a more meaningful conversation. Here are thirty conversation topics to give you ideas. Write some of the topics down to keep in your pocket or purse to refer to at the event if you forget.

  14. Notice the voice in your head.

  Negative self-talk is universal with those who feel uncomfortable socially. You spend time wondering what others are thinking, how you look to them, and how they might be judging you. You mentally repeat self-criticisms or linger on how fearful and shy you are. People who lack confidence overestimate the negative perceptions of others in social situations. They become paralyzed by their negative thoughts and further isolate themselves, adding another heap of self-criticism and negativity on top of the initial feelings. Of course, none of these negative thoughts help you feel more comfortable or confident. In fact, they just reinforce feelings of self-doubt and anxiety.

  Action Steps: Write down all of the fears and false perceptions your mental voice is telling you. Then for each fear, ask yourself, "Is this 100 percent true? How often has this really happened?" Then notice if there is any real evidence to support your negative thought. More than likely, there isn't any or it's greatly exaggerated. In fact, there is probably more evidence that negates these self-critical thoughts. Teach yourself to stop believing your thoughts. Simply notice them without giving them credibility.

  15. Practice mirroring.

  There is a neuron in the brain that is responsible for recognition of faces and facial expressions. This neuron triggers you to copy facial expression you see on others. You mirror their expressions unconsciously. When you mirror someone's body language you are offering nonverbal cues that you relate to them and feel the same as they do. In fact, research shows people who share the same emotions are likely to experience stronger levels of trust, connection and empathy. You can reverse-engineer this process to make close connections with others by mirroring their expressions and body language.

  Action Steps:The next time you converse with someone, practice a mirroring them for a few moments. Don't exaggerate it, but subtly mirror their facial expressions and body movements. Try this with a family member or close friend at first until you get the hang of the subtleties of mirroring. (You don't want to look like you're mocking the other person.) Take note of how they respond to you and whether or not you see them warming to you and the conversation.

  16. Learn active listening.

  Listening is one of the most important confidence skills you can have. Confident communication isn't just about talking, it's about listening deeply to others. By becoming a better listener, you can improve and enhance your relationships and social interactions, as well as your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate. Active listening involves making a conscious effort to hear beyond just the words the other person is saying. It's mindfully paying attention to the complete message being sent, and being fully focused on the other person without succumbing to distractions.

  Action Steps: Practice active listening with a close friend or family member. Give them attention without checking your phone, glancing over their shoulder at someone else, or looking at your watch. Notice the speaker's body language and practice mirroring. Use your body language to show you're listening by nodding and smiling appropriately. Offer feedback and thoughtful comments. The positive response you get from the speaker will make you feel more confident in your communication skills.

  17. Understand the art of small talk.

  Small talk is the polite and sometimes meaningless conversation you have at parties and other social gatherings. It's light, casual conversation that creates a friendly atmosphere. The skill of making small talk is important in social and business settings, and it shows you have manners, poise and can engage other people. It is a cornerstone of civility, as it fosters contact and encourages kindness. For some
people, small talk flows naturally—but for others, making small talk feels tedious and overwhelming. Many people think small talk is an innate talent, but it is an acquired skill. There is a structure and rules for making small talk that makes connecting with others less intimidating.

  Action Steps:In your next social encounter, begin small talk by letting the other person know you are willing to engage. Comment on the weather or about something in the surroundings. Then move on to personal introductions and sharing information about who you are and what you do. Throw out a light topic for conversation (a movie, a book you're reading, etc.) and respond back to any topics thrown your way. Try not to spend too much time focused on your favorite topic. Ask questions and show interest in the other person. Also read about behaviors you should avoid during small talk in this article.

  18. Notice nervous habits.

  Your lack of confidence can show itself in some distracting and unattractive ways. Nervous habits like biting your nails, hair-twirling, clearing your throat, constant twitching or foot shaking, or popping your knuckles, can be irritating to others and suggest you don't feel self-assured or comfortable. Sometimes these behaviors are the result of boredom, but those observing you will perceive you as uncomfortable and nervous. Many of these habits are unsanitary and even unhealthy and make you look silly or childish.